Seinfeld by AI: A Script about Nothing

Okay, it’s time to admit it. We have a problem with AI Scripts. We love them TOO MUCH! If you like this, then you can read the episodes for My Brother, My Brother and Me, The Adventure Zone: Balance or The Adventure Zone: Amnesty. This script was written by machine learning algorithms, and does not reflect the views of Jerry Seinfeld or other cast.

Kick back and enjoy, a script about nothing.

Scene: Comedy club

JERRY:    We’re in a store talking about how you should never pay for something that you didn’t even need. You can’t just ask someone to look at your receipt. It’s like if you were in a restaurant and they were going to give you a piece of lemon meringue pie and you’re so hungry and desperate and they forgot to give you the check.

Scene: Street

(Jerry is walking down the street talking with an acquaintance)

JERRY:   The thing is Stu, They always leave it in the cash register. What a waste.

STU:   You know, the only time I ever feel bad about anything I do is when I’m shopping.

JERRY:   The difference is, I mean, that in the supermarket you never have to feel bad about a bad purchase. You can just go up to the cash register and pick it up, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

STU:   No, you can’t leave it in the cash register. No, there’s a certain amount of time you have to pay.

JERRY:   No, I can’t.

STU:   Hey, don’t leave it in the register. What if I walk in?

JERRY:   What if you walk in?

STU:   What do you think you’re doing?

JERRY:   You’re putting your life at risk.

STU:   You shouldn’t put it in the register. I’m gonna walk in, I’m gonna pay $5 for a box of chocolates, and then you leave it in the register.

JERRY:   How do you know I didn’t pay for it?

STU:   All I know is I’ve been here before. You have a gift, and then you leave it in the register.

JERRY:   Are you kidding? That isn’t fair. I was there. I’ve seen it. I’m not STU-pid.

STU:   You should have just taken it.

JERRY:   I’m not taking it.

(Jerry walks in to a store, looking at the receipt. He’s nervous and a little anxious.)

STU:   So, it’s your first time?

JERRY:   Yeah, I’m uh, new. I’m a little nervous.

STU:   I know. I’m a big fan, so if you’re ready, I’m ready.

JERRY:   Uh, I’m ready.

Scene: Jerry’s Apartment

(A familiar woman’s face can be seen. It’s Elaine.)


JERRY:   Hi.

ELAINE:   Hey!

JERRY:   Is that your boyfriend, George?

ELAINE:   Yeah.

JERRY:   Is that his name?

ELAINE:   Yeah. I’m sorry, I forgot my glasses.

GEORGE:   No, you can’t have them.

ELAINE:   I didn’t forget them.

GEORGE:   You’re not his girlfriend.

ELAINE:   I hate that guy.

GEORGE:   You’re his girlfriend.

ELAINE:   All right. All right. (To Jerry) So, are you ready to go?

JERRY:   Yes.

ELAINE:   How are you, George?

GEORGE:   Great, I’m feeling a lot better.

ELAINE:   I guess you’re still a little sore from yesterday.

GEORGE:   I’m feeling better, Elaine. Why? What’s wrong with me?

ELAINE:   I think you need some help.

GEORGE:   You know, I know you think I’m a terrible boyfriend, but I’m just not that into you.

ELAINE:   No, you just have to do some work.

GEORGE:   All right. I’ll do it.

ELAINE:   Okay.

GEORGE:   All right, all right, you go ahead.

ELAINE:   You know, you should really get a job. You need to do some reading. How about a bookseller?

GEORGE:   No, that’s not a bad idea.

ELAINE:   I know, it’s not a bad idea, I just don’t understand why you can’t get a job.

GEORGE:   No, I can’t get a job. I’m not interested in working for anybody.

ELAINE:   So you’re just not into it.

GEORGE:   No, no, no. No, I know, it’s just not for me.

ELAINE:   I know, it’s not for you.

JERRY:   All right, let’s do it, go ahead.

GEORGE:   Okay.

JERRY:   All right.

ELAINE:   Now, he said he can’t do it.

JERRY:   All right, let’s try it.

GEORGE:   No, no. No. No, let’s not do it.

JERRY:   Okay, are we done with this now?

(Kramer enters Jerry’s Apartment)

KRAMER:   Hey. I love when you guys are all in one room together.

JERRY:   What?

KRAMER:   I love when you’re all in one room together. You’re freaky.

ELAINE:   You’re freaky. You get into a fight with a roommate, the other roommate, the other roommate again. It’s a little freaky, it’s not right, but you get into situations where you’re like, ‘Gee, what was all that about the first time? Oh. Heh. No…’

GEORGE:   You know, there’s something about having a group of people, all in one room together, that’s a little freaky. It’s like having a little party that never ends. You never really know where the fun’s going to take you. You can’t really tell when you’re in the party. But when you’re in the house with the other people, it’s like, ‘Ohh, it was a great time’. It’s like you didn’t know if you were at the party or not!

KRAMER:   Yeah, but sometimes you get into a good mood, and then the other guys start making fun of you for the whole time, and you don’t even know it. You know? ‘What’s the matter with you?!’, ‘What’s the matter with you?!’, ‘What is that noise?’, ‘What’s going on?’, ‘What are you doing here?’. You know? So you feel like, ‘I’m not in the mood for this, so I just move on’. Then, of course, the next time the guys are making fun of you like that, you’re like, ‘I’m not in the mood for this, so I just move on’. So you get into these weird situations. It’s like the worst of human nature. You know? Like, ‘Why are you telling me this?’. ‘You’re not in the mood for this, so I’m not going to listen to you anymore.’ And then, of course, there’s the other guy who’s like, ‘What’s the problem with the other guy?’. What the hell is the other guy? I don’t even want to know! I’m getting rid of him!

Scene: Monk’s Cafe

(Jerry standing at Monk’s Cafe. George is sitting at the table and Kramer is standing outside.)

KRAMER:   Jerry, how do you like this? (Pops the piece of candy in his mouth.) Now don’t you worry, Jerry, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m a nice guy.(Jerry gives a smile and Kramer gives a wave.)

JERRY:   I didn’t realize you were so good-looking.

KRAMER:   Yeah, I’m a handsome man. Now that’s a good look.

JERRY:   How come you’re not a real man?

KRAMER:   Because I’m a very bad boy.

JERRY:   Well, I’m sure it’s just a bad eye thing.

KRAMER:   Jerry, it’s a real problem. My eyeball is very, very weak.

(Jerry sits with George at a booth.)

JERRY:   So, Kramer, how’s he doing?

GEORGE:   Good.

JERRY:   All right, then, I have to ask you, how much did you pay for that piece of candy?

GEORGE:   Twenty-five.

JERRY:   Oh, I was guessing you paid close to fifty.

GEORGE:   You’re right. Now you tell me. How much did you pay for that piece of candy?

JERRY:   I don’t know.

GEORGE:   Well, you’re the only one who knows that.

JERRY:   Yes, I know. I get letters from everybody.

GEORGE:   I’m sure it’s just a bad eye thing.

JERRY:   All right, then, I have to ask you, how come you’re not a real man?

GEORGE:   Because I’m a very bad boy.

JERRY:   All right, you’re the bad boy now.

(Elaine enters Monk’s Cafe.)

ELAINE:   So, he was a lawyer.

JERRY:   Hey, he was a lawyer.

GEORGE:   Hey, you know what? Maybe I’ll go see “Law and Order” on Thursday.

ELAINE:   You don’t know what you’re talking about.

JERRY:   Well, you know what? It’ll be a lot more fun to see him again, I promise you that.

GEORGE:   I know, he’s pretty good.

JERRY:   You know, I don’t know if I can take it. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you were going through. How could you be so stupid?

ELAINE:   Hey, maybe next time.

JERRY:   Oh. (pointing at Kramer outside) Oh, I don’t know. What’s the matter?

ELAINE:   I got a feeling it’ll be the same thing.

JERRY:   We’ll see.

ELAINE:   What is that?

JERRY:   Nothing.

ELAINE:   What is it?

JERRY:   I’m hungry.

Scene: Kramer’s apartment

(Kramer is lying on the couch.)

KRAMER:   Uh, well, what do you think? (To Elaine) You know, I thought it was a good idea to give you the job.

ELAINE:   I didn’t think of you. I didn’t even ask.

KRAMER:   I’m sorry. It’s just that, I, I felt, just, a little weird about it.(Kramer walks away, and opens the door for Elaine behind him)

ELAINE:   Uh-huh.

KRAMER:   Yeah.

(Elaine exits. The phone rings. Kramer answers it)

KRAMER:   Hello? Hello… you got the wrong number… what?

(Jerry is on the Phone)

JERRY:   You’re not going to believe what I think.

KRAMER:   Well… why?

JERRY:   Jerry.

KRAMER:   Yes, yes. Well, I’m not gonna be a party to this.

JERRY:   You’re not going to be a party?

KRAMER:   No, no.

JERRY:   Why?

KRAMER:   Well, I’m gonna need some help.

JERRY:   You’re not a party to anything.

KRAMER:   What is it?

JERRY:   I can’t believe you’re calling me.

KRAMER:   Yeah, the whole thing.

JERRY:   The whole thing? What thing?

KRAMER:   Well you know, I wanted to talk to you about your number.

JERRY:   The whole thing?

KRAMER:   Yeah, I really uh wanted to talk to you about it.

JERRY:   Okay, alright.

KRAMER:   Well, I know you’re not a party to anything.

JERRY:   What are you talking about?

KRAMER:   I’m just curious. I just thought maybe you would like to know that I called you and I told you not to worry about it. It’s over.

JERRY:   I’m not a party.

KRAMER:   Well, this is a party, isn’t it?

JERRY:   It is.

KRAMER:   Well, it’s over.

JERRY:   It’s over?

KRAMER:   Well, that’s what I thought.

KRAMER:   You can’t get that kind of power back.

JERRY:   You never get that kind of power back.

(Jerry hangs up the phone in his apartment)

NEWMAN:   I just wanted you know that your new phone is getting a lot older than five years. And I will tell you, it is very hard to find. It just doesn’t have the ring…I mean, I can’t get it out, and I can’t get it out of the house, and…you know, I just…you know what I mean? (To Elaine) What do you think?

ELAINE:   (To Newman) I’m gonna get a ring today. (laughs)

JERRY:   Oh, you better.

ELAINE:   And you better get me one of these new phones. You know if I’m gonna get one of these phones I’m gonna want one of these new phones.

NEWMAN:   It’s a long story.

ELAINE:   I thought we were friends?

JERRY:   You’re going to need more than friendship. You’re gonna need a whole ‘nother dimension of friendship, like a dimension in between.

GEORGE:   (To Newman) I should get that phone.

NEWMAN:   Oh, I’ll get it.

GEORGE:   (To Newman) You know this is great! I can’t believe we’re doing this. I gotta get a big, big hug from Kramer.(Newman laughs)

ELAINE:   (To Newman) Oh, I’m gonna get it today too! (Newman laughs)

JERRY:   I’m in.

NEWMAN:   Hey, Elaine, listen…you wanna go out with me?

ELAINE:   No, no, no…it’s a great, big, big “no”.

NEWMAN:   You know George, I’m a very good friend. I live on the sixth floor. I was, like, thirty-seven years old when I met you. Now I’m thirty-two. Do you know how I’m feeling? I’m depressed. I’m a mess. I’m not in a relationship. I’m in jail. I’m a mess! So what do you call a friend who doesn’t have any friends?

GEORGE:   No, we don’t.

NEWMAN:   No, you don’t!

Scene: Public Bathroom

(Jerry is in the bathroom of the New Yorker’s building.)

KRAMER:   (To Jerry, as he’s taking a shower in the sink) Did you get the message? Do you have any idea how quickly I’m burning through this shower soap?

JERRY:   There’s no message.

KRAMER:   I’m a jerk! It’s just a shower! I’m a soap salesman-my life is a soap salesman!

JERRY:   I’ll fix the shower.

KRAMER:   I’ll fix the soap.

JERRY:   (To George) I’m gonna fix the shower.

GEORGE:   But I can’t live like this!

JERRY:   What do you know George? You don’t know how I feel!

KRAMER:   Jerry, Jerry!

JERRY:   What?

KRAMER:   Where are you Jerry?

JERRY:   Outside.

(Jerry and Kramer leave the building. Kramer is wearing all his pajamas, and there’s a bathrobe on his head. There’s a manhole cover rolling on the street in front of the building. It seems to be making a racket. George comes running over. He’s carrying shovels and a water bottle.)

KRAMER:   Well it’s a manhole cover, that’s what it is. It’s a manhole. Just go outside. Don’t look! (Goes up to the window.)

JERRY:   No! I’m not! (Turns the knob.) You can’t shut your apartment door in a manhole!

KRAMER:   So what? I’m a very lucky guy you have a great time!

Scene: Comedy Club

JERRY:   You can’t be a boxer and not be a husband. You have to have that in common. There’s something about this, it’s like you know exactly what you want, and you don’t care what anybody thinks. I think I have a good friend who works for the Yankees. She calls herself Miss Patty. She’s got tons of fans. She is the only one with the nickname ”Muffin’ Patty’. And a good friend of hers, he goes by the nickname, ‘The Muffin’ Patty’. You know, I think it’s pretty funny. You’ve got to like her. If you don’t, you’re not going to like her!